I'm afraid I've become self aware. It's horrifying. Don't you hate it when you have a random, fleeting moment where you realize your whole life is a show you've been putting on and you don't even know who you are anymore? Is this relatable?
I am typing on an android tablet. I usually type on a regular keyboard or an iPhone. I don't know how many of you have gone from android to Apple or Apple to android but it is unnecessarily different. For example, all iPhone users know hit the space bar twice and it makes a period. My android keyboard actually has a period button right next to the space bar. I'm used to the iPhone so what do I do? I hit the period twice. So now I'm going to have to go through and edit all the double periods out of this post. Plus,this tablet is much bigger than my iPhone, which you might think would make it easier to type on. Not so. I hate typing on this thing. Its like typing on a fish. It's so uncomfortable. But I must be productive despite my legion of handicaps.
I'm on a recumbent bike. I keep forgetting what I'm doing.I'm focusing on writing and so I am just barely pedaling. Recumbent bikes create far less exertion/caloric burn than just about any other piece of gym equipment and I am not even pushing myself on it. But it's the only piece of equipment I can use while typing. So I must sacrifice for my art.
I am trying very hard to distract myself because as I said, I am very self aware right now. I don't know why. It's pretty bad because it's causing me to realize how horrible I usually act towards people. I don't mean to but I do. Plus, I'm acting even weirder than usual right now because I'm so hyper aware of myself.
I don't know. I don't know where I belong. I keep trying. Slowly but surely making little changes for the better. It always feels like I don't do enough, and I probably don't but I look at myself compared to last year or three or four years ago and I am different now. Better, I hope.
I guess Confusious said, "go slowly but don't stop." I would doubt that's an exact quote but it's something like that. I'd have to look it up. I just saw it on a TV show. Probably a sitcom. There's a good chance it's not even true but information comes from all sorts of weird places. Like hopefully this blog will contain some form of wisdom that will help someone.
Not today though.
Probably not today.
I don't know what to write about. What can I say that won't make someone hate me? I don't think I can say anything. Probably everything will piss someone off. But especially me because I'm a real bitch. My grandma raised me up to be bitchy and she raised me well. I don't even realize half of the things that I say that are offensive. Maybe more than half. I don't know. I'd ask someone about but people don't talk to me. I wonder why.
All of a sudden, I'm having all of these realizations about who I am and how I come across to people. Cause I'm always trying to get people to like me and I don't think they do. If I'm lucky they don't think of me at all. Most likely they hate me.
Actually that's not true. I'm not trying to get people to like me. I don't think of it at all. That's the problem. When people try and talk to me, I'm usually just looking for a reason to excuse myself. I truly have no idea how I come across. I have two very good friends and a husband that I've known for a long time and they tell me all kinds of things about myself and I have no idea what they are talking about. In my mind I'm nothing like the person that they are describing.
I'm just not reacting how I should be because instead of thinking of just being myself and asking questions and giving compliments, I am thinking about all these other things. Like, for example, I am so worried that people are going to think I like them. It seems weird to say it out loud or write it down. I guess some one thinking I like them is embarrassing to me. To not be liked back is bad but for a person to know you like them and they still don't like you is worse. So if I never let anyone know I like them, I can not take it as personally when they don't like me.
I'm not talking about romantic relationships either. Although I do feel the need to make it most clear to men that I am not interested in them. Granted, I am married but that's not the reason. So if a man from my office or here at the gym should try and make casual eye contact with me, I immediately and instinctively look away like."No thank you, sir, good day to you. I said good day!"
I can't even really say goodbye to the men who work the front desk at the gym. That's probably where this thought sequence came from. I get anxiety thinking about checking in or walking past them on my way out because the gym makes them say hello and good bye to everyone. It's like, remember Blockbuster? Anyone? Millinials? Is this something you know about? Anyway, knowing that they have to say hello and goodbye to me and that they don't actually want to but are being forced to anyway makes me feel like a loser and it gives me such anxiety because I walk i to the place and it's several steps from the door to the desk and they are standing there looking at me and I'm looking at them but we aren't close enough to really say our forced hello yet so I just awkwardly make eye contact and break it, make eye contact and break it, waiting for the big moment when we can greet each other and go back to our natural states of not caring about it each other. It stresses me out.
I have to say good night too because even I know it's rude not to but I don't want them to think that I'm in love with them. Which is just what they're all thinking in there minds, right? That's not an irrational thought at all. Of course that would be there go-to conclusion if i ever tried to make conversation…or eye contact. So I just say good night quickly over my shoulder as I speed walk to the door.
This is just one of countless examples of the ways I am rude as hell on a daily basis. The irony is that this is all part of some anxiety-ridden, misguided attempt to get people to like me by proving that I don't like them.
Which makes no sense.
And does not work.
So don't try it.
There is your wisdom.
Or lack thereof.
I don't even know what makes me think it would be so bad if people thought or even knew, that I like them. When I think back on the people I have liked throughout the years, I would say a lot of their appeal was the fact that I thought that they liked me. I certainly wouldn't like someone who acted like they didn't like me. Yet, that's how I feel I should act.
My friends like me and they know I like them. My husband likes me and he knows I like him. (Of course, we had to go through therapy to get me To admit it.) So even though it might be scary, and it very much is, the best way to be liked by people, based upon the experiment known as my life so far, is to let it be known, "hey I like you," or even, "you know what, mother fucker? You're alright."
I'm not saying I should start running upto the men (and by men, I mean boys) who work the front counter of my gym and say, "hey boys, I like you." (My husband and marriage counselor both frown on this behavior) but I could smile and be pleasant when I take my towel and scan my pass. I could make a little small talk, not just with them but with people in general. "I like your shirt," I could say or, "How's your mother?" Something that says I'm approachable. I'm easy going. I may or may not like you but not in a sexual way.
I'm going to work on this. I'll get back to you about it.