Humor, Memoir

You Won’t Believe What I did When I was Drunk

I don’t drink that much, really I don’t. A few years ago I did but I was on unemployment and I had a lot of time on my hands. The two things really do go hand in hand. Back then my drink was wine and my marriage was awful and I’d sit in the basement and drink my wine until eventually I would feel like dancing and then I would feel like puking and the whole time my husband stayed upstairs and that would be a good Saturday night. 

Also back then, when I was unemployed, a good day would be one where I started drinking early and paced myself to stay just a little tipsy all day long and I would do house work and listen to podcasts until eventually I’d feel like dancing so I would switch  to music and the whole time my husband would be at work and that would be a good day. 

Maybe, if I had the foresight, I would take a shower and brush my teeth before he got home so that he couldn’t tell I’d been drinking and if I did that then maybe he wouldn’t judge me if I started drinking again that evening alone in my basement where I would eventually feel like dancing and if in all that time I didn’t once feel like puking, that would be an almost perfect day. 

This was a once or twice a week occurence and never an everyday thing but looking back, it does seem like I was overdoing it at least a bit. I really don’t think I’m an alcoholic. I was just bored. You sit at home for days on end with nothing to do and see what kind of trouble you can get in. I was a lonely housewife in a crumbling marriage with no career aspirations and nothing to do but chores. Chores and drinking. 

My mom is an alcoholic so I am familiar with what that looks like and I don’t think I was ever like her. I know some alcoholics are more functional than others but I knew when to stop. Usually. I also knew when to not drink at all if I actually had something to do later. Which did not happen very often but when it did, I didn’t feel the slightest urge to drink. I was ready to go do something outside of the house with other people.  

Here we are now a couple of years later and lots has changed. Thank God. I am no longer unemployed. My husband has a different job. We’ve gone to therapy and we share a living room. We got through our issues and are happy together again.  Life is a lot better than it used to be and I don’t drink nearly as much. Cause or effect? You decide. 

I never drink wine anymore because my husband says it makes me mean. I’ve never really taken the perview that different drinks produce different effects. Alcohol is alcohol. Drunk is drunk but I try to humor him now.( It’s something I learned in therapy.) So I don’t drink wine and if I do want to drink I typically drink with him and he likes rum. So we drink rum. 

Though I don’t believe different liquors produce different effects, I think it does make sense that drinking a hard liquor is a very different experience than drinking a wine or a beer. (I will never drink a beer by the way. I don’t like the taste and I don’t need the carbs.) 

One of the good things about hard liquor is that less is more and you don’t have to consume as many calories. That’s why I take shots. My husband will generally have a rum and Coke or a drink with equal parts rum, orange juice, and sprite. (Which is delicious by the way) but for me I’m always watching my weight. I’m already drinking and I know if I’m drinking then later on I will be capital “E” Eating. So I don’t do mixers or chasers whenever possible. I do a shot of rum. I drink some water, repeat, repeat…,repeat?

Generally speaking I don’t drink that much at a time. I have a few shots and then I let it go. This particular day, I don’t know what happened. The reason this story has so much prelude is because it’s going to end so abruptly. Basically, I was off work on a holiday. My husband was at work. I had chores to do and I had a temporary relapse into my old unemployed days of “hey, you know what would make this load of dishes more fun? Rum.”

And it did. But whereas with wine you can sip all day and if you sip slow enough, you never get that drunk, rum is a little different, especially  if you’re taking shots of rum. it wasn’t very long before I was drunk. Drunker than I even knew, apparently. I honestly felt like I was just tipsy. By around three or four in the afternoon, I didn’t feel like doing anymore of my chores. I just kind of lounged around and watched tv with my husband when he got home. We ate dinner and eventually went to bed. 

The next morning when I woke up I was not hungover.  I was, however, like, “oh shit!” My first thought was that I had left the clothes in the washing machine overnight and now they were going to have to be ran again.  

Feeling like a failed homemaker and potentially a lush, I walked myself into the laundry room. Only to discover that not only had I taken the clothes out of the washing machine, I’d also taken them out of the dryer and FOLDED them. All without any recollection. 

Now this was a little terrifying to me because I’ve never been so drunk that I lost chunks of time. I also didn’t realize how drunk I must have been until that moment. It was the strangest combination of relief that the laundry was done mixed with the fear of blacking out from drinking. (Technically I think it was a “brown out” but I’m not sure.) Everything had been folded neatly and organized inside the laundry basket ready to be put away. I asked Jon if he’d done the laundry for me but that would never happen. He should have said yes and I would have believed him. Instead, I had to fess up to how drunk I must have been. 

Bottom line is, while having a few nips here and there might be a great way to make boring chores a little bit more of a challenge, you may want to remember to pace yourself with hard liquor or maybe just stick to wine if it doesn’t make you too “mean”. 

Then again, I did fold a weeks worth of laundry sans cognizance, so maybe you don’t want to pace yourself. Take your chances. Live on the edge. You may get your laundry done or you may go outside in your underpants and water the lawn. You may uber to target and buy one of those giant floor pillows and then forget how to do uber and walk back home, dragging it behind you. You may call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while when they are at work and get in a nonsensical argument with them about something that happened in high school. There is for sure only one way to find out. 

     To paraphrase the late, great Hunter S. Thompson, I hate to advocate hard core day drinking alone to anyone, but it has occasionally worked for me. Do with that advice what you will. I promise I have not been drinking while writing this. That’s probably why all my laundry is still dirty. 

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