Humor

Wedding Bell Blues

I’ve decided I don’t ever have to go to a wedding again. I don’t really like them. They are boring. 


I have this theory that no one really wants you at their wedding anyway. They are just inviting you out of obligation.  Yes, I’m projecting. didn’t want anyone at MY wedding. I got married on a weekday in a stranger’s living room, which unbeknownst to me was decorated floor to ceiling in leopard. (Notice I didn’t say leopard print, I said leopard. With the eyes and the tail and everything. ) There were less than 10 people in attendance. The whole thing cost around $150.00. I regret nothing. 

The point is I didn’t want to plan a wedding. I didn’t want a lot of people looking at me. I didn’t ask anyone to buy me gifts and that’s the same thing I’m hoping for from the people in my life. 


I realize that not everyone can be as lucky as I am to have hardly any family. Some people have parents and extended family who want to be present for the ceremony. They may have friends that really want to be bridesmaids. They can’t really get away with not having a wedding. I’m just saying, if they feel like they have to include me, they really, really don’t. Really. 

Other people are excited to throw a wedding because it means something to them. They want to share their love with others and/or they want to have everyone they love together in one room to celebrate their big day. I get that, too. I’ve never experienced that feeling personally but I understand. Good for you. Still, do you actually need me to be there? That just doesn’t seem right. 


I, myself always had very low expectations for what my “special day” was to look like. I know that’s odd.  Supposedly all young girls dream about their wedding day. I never did. I hoped that I would fall in love but not in a way that required an audience. Also, of the very few people in my family, it’s almost impossible to get any two of them in the same room without a fight. So realistically I always knew a big, happy wedding was never going to be in my future. It would have taken a miracle to get everyone together and I wasn’t going to waste a miracle on my wedding. The fact that I’ve been married for 14 years and counting is miracle enough for me. 


I mean no shade towards people who like big weddings. I’m just not one of them. I am ridiculously traditional and feminine in many ways but when it comes to planning a wedding (or decorating my house) I try and try to give a fuck but I just can’t. I’m very sorry but if I can’t care about my own wedding, how in hell do you expect me to care about yours? It just doesn’t add up. I am truly very happy that you found your soulmate. I just don’t really want to be involved. Please don’t take offense. 


I’m not just being selfish here. There is some merit to my theory that no one actually wants me at their wedding.  People who are planning weddings are generally super stressed out. They are likely way over budget and looking for places to cut corners. I am simply providing one. Here’s my gift to you, you don’t have to buy me salmon. I don’t have to buy you a toaster. Win/win. I believe you when you tell me that you and your fiancé love each other like no two people before you have ever loved. That’s amazing. I love a good love story. I just don’t have to see it. 

That goes for the pictures too. 


I mean if someone close to me really wanted me at their wedding I would go. I’m not a monster. But come on, we went to high school together 11 years ago and now I have to sit in a church with your family and silently judge your dress? No. 

I don’t need to hear your vows. You aren’t making them to me. I don’t want to do the Macarena with your aunt Linda. I’m not interested in watching you and your new spouse eat cake for the first time as man and wife. I have shit to do on the weekends, like sleep in and go to Sephora. I can not be bothered by your love. 


Are there really people who enjoy going to weddings? Like that movie “27 Dresses”, in which Kathryn Heigel had been a bridesmaid 27 times, what a work of fiction. Are we really to believe that 27 women are close friends with Kathryn Heigel? I don’t buy it. 

During the spring and summer months some of my friends go to wedding after wedding on back to back weekends. Sometimes they even go to two weddings in the same weekend. I mean are you kidding me? When people invite me to their wedding, I just say no. “No, thank you. I’m busy.” That’s literally all you have to say and then you’re free. You don’t have to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond two hours before the ceremony, picking from what’s left on the registry. You don’t have to cobble together an outfit for your husband that is “springtime business casual”. You don’t have to drive 90 minutes to some field with a lovely view of the lake. You can just go back to cleaning your kitchen and listening to podcasts. 

So if any of you were thinking of inviting me to your wedding, not only did I save you the cost of my meal, you don’t even have to send me an invitation and we can still be friends and coworkers. 

You’re welcomed. 

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11 thoughts on “Wedding Bell Blues”

  1. For the love of all things good and holy, please tell me you have a picture of your leopard wedding. I realize that goes completely against the theme of your post, but c’monnnnn that’s amazing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have a few pictures but they don’t do it justice. I failed to mention in the post that there was also one of those old school big screen tvs that was like 8 feet tall and a two feet deep. Very classy. It was the officiant’s house. He volunteered it for the service and I just assumed that he performed ceremonies there all the time and he had some sort of set up. He sure did! I would have just done it at my own house had I known but actually, for me and my husband, it was perfect. So hilarious and tacky.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I, too, would fucking LOVE to see how tacky and delightful your wedding was. I mean, tacky is my middle name. Also, I’m about the same. I don’t have many people in my family and I only see a majority of them one day a year (Easter of all fucking days… they chose Easter for our family reunion?). About the only reason I enjoy going to weddings is for the cake. I’m a total fatty in that regard ’cause the cake is usually amazing and I do love a good cake, lmfao. BUT… I hate being around people in general and a wedding is usually obnoxious af. I feel your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. When my friends would talk about how they wanted their weddings to be I would always say I wanted something incredibly tacky. I was picturing Vegas, Elvis impersonator officiants, and Peggy Bundy’s wardrobe. That’s nothing compared to what I actually got. I couldn’t even dream up leopard wallpaper and a tv that resembled the monolith from 2001 A Space Odyssey as a back drop. I was truly blessed.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I honestly just go for the food and cake. If there’s alcohol then I’m happy just eating and drinking merrily in one corner not minding anyone else. I don’t like crowds so I avoid them as much as possible.

    Liked by 1 person

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