Sunday night, 10:30 pm:
This is the week. Oh man, is it exciting! All of my shoulds are going to become my dids. I can’t hardly wait. Every other week before this week, I have failed. I’ve fallen short of all I hoped to achieve. Teagarden.
(I don’t know why that autocorrected itself to Teagarden. I was trying to type, “That’s all about to change.” That’s nowhere near Teagarden. And it’s not like Teagarden is a word I would have ever said before in my life. What even is a Teagarden? It’s a very odd thing for Siri to assume I meant. I’m going to leave it in. Maybe it will end up meaning something poetic or profound, like “Rosebud”in Citizen Kane. )
This week I’m going to do it all right. Oh man, I am fucking stoked! I’m going to go to the gym at least four times. Cook dinner at home most nights and bring my lunch to work most days. I am not going to spend any money and I’m not going to eat anything after dinner. I’m going to keep my calories down overall. No fast food. I’m going to eat more protein and I’m going to write at least five query letters to magazines this week and a blog post every day.
Jump cut to:
Monday morning, 9:00 am:
After already being late to work I decided to stop at a fast food place to get breakfast complete with hash browns and a large Coke.
Upon arriving at work I notice that I somehow failed to cut my fingernails this entire weekend despite have plenty of time, access to the right tools, and a deeply apparent need for this form of grooming. I then proceeded to pick up my phone and write a blog post instead of actually getting to work.