Humor

The Danger of Expectations (Teagarden)

Sunday night, 10:30 pm:

This is the week. Oh man, is it exciting! All of my shoulds are going to become my dids. I can’t hardly wait. Every other week before this week, I have failed. I’ve fallen short of all I hoped to achieve. Teagarden. 


(I don’t know why that autocorrected itself to Teagarden. I was trying to type, “That’s all about to change.” That’s nowhere near Teagarden.  And it’s not like Teagarden is a word I would have ever said before in my life. What even is a Teagarden? It’s a very odd thing for Siri to assume I meant. I’m going to leave it in. Maybe it will end up meaning something poetic or profound, like “Rosebud”in Citizen Kane. )


Anyway. What was I saying? Ah, yes, in previous weeks, I’ve fallen short of all the things I hoped to achieve. That’s all about to change.

This week I’m going to do it all right. Oh man, I am fucking stoked! I’m going to go to the gym at least four times. Cook dinner at home most nights and bring my lunch to work most days. I am not going to spend any money and I’m not going to eat anything after dinner. I’m going to keep my calories down overall. No fast food. I’m going to eat more protein and I’m going to write at least five query letters to magazines this week and a blog post every day.  


Before I wasn’t ready but now I am. My whole life is about to change for the better. I will be perfect starting right now. 

Jump cut to:

Monday morning, 9:00 am:

After already being late to work I decided to stop at a fast food place to get breakfast complete with hash browns and a large Coke. 


Upon arriving at work I notice that I somehow failed to cut my fingernails this entire weekend despite have plenty of time, access to the right tools, and a deeply apparent need for this form of grooming. I then proceeded to pick up my phone and write a blog post instead of actually getting to work. 


But next week is definitely going to be my week. I can feel it! I’m so psyched!!!!

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4 thoughts on “The Danger of Expectations (Teagarden)”

  1. Sounds like a helluva day to me 1.Dined at a restaurant 2. Went to work 3. Wrote a blog. 4. Gave serious thought to trimming your nails….how many people can say they did that? It’s all in the telling.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You wrote a hilarious post, and that should count for half the stuff you haven’t accomplished yet. I think you should hit the teagarden and celebrate.

    Liked by 1 person

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