Humor

“Now get to work, bitch!”

Last week I went to the gym at a busy time, which I usually don’t do. There was a woman on the elliptical beside me, just contently reading a magazine and another woman comes up to talk to her. They talked for around 20 minutes and I know that for a fact because when I’m on the elliptical I am hyper aware of every second that passes. 

I thought to myself, “See that right there is the reason I don’t want to take an exercise class.” I’m afraid someone might actually like me.  I know, I know, I needn’t worry. 


I don’t come to the gym to socialize. I look bad here. I do things incorrectly. I am wearing a pair of sea foam green sweatpants that I actually bought on clearance from the women’s pajama section of target. So they’re actually pajamas. I’m not here to be judged. If I lifted my eyes from this screen and accidentally made  contact with anyone in this gym right now, I would instantly become self aware and die of embarrassment. 

I would like to try to take a class sometime though. 


I have been a member of my gym for almost a year and a half and I haven’t taken one class. I’m scared to. I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep up. I’m afraid I will turn bright red like a tomato. I’m worried that no one will talk to me. I’m worried that someone will try to be my friend and then I will have to stop going to the gym.

I don’t know what would be worse if I took a workout class here. Would it be worse if lots of people talked to me or if no one did? Both situations would be awkward. I think the talking thing would be worse. I would for sure be the worst  at it. I like working out in silence while staring st my phone. I think what is the saddest part for me, though, is that everyone around me thinks I’m just texting right now. They have no idea that I’m actually composing the world’s best blog. 


My gym is not a major franchise gym like Planet Fitness or Gold’s Gym but it does have two locations in the general metro area. So I have this tenative plan in mind that I will go to the other gym and take a class there. That way no matter what happens I will still have my original gym to go back to where no one knows me.

It would be cool if I did actually make some friends at the second gym and then I could decide, do I want to work out with my friends or do I feel like being alone? That would be wonderful. That way I could experience what it’s like to be in a class without ruining my whole image that I have cultivated for myself here, that I can’t see anyone or hear anyone around me.

As much as I talk about perferring to be alone, I don’t feel that way all the time and putting walls up sky high all around you will keep you safe but sometimes it can get boring. 


I just want to tell you guys that these two girls just took the machines in front of me and they are both wearing tiny shorts that are basically underwear and only one of them is pulling them off. The other one of them just used the arm of the treadmill to stretch out her leg. Which I imagine is quite a view from the front. 

Trust me bitch, you are loose enough. 

It’s never the one you want to see naked that gets naked, am I right guys?

I just had those two bitchy thoughts simultaneously and I couldn’t figure out which one to use. 

See why I have no friends?

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2 thoughts on ““Now get to work, bitch!””

  1. I’m a “loner” workout guy myself. There’s already enough times in life we feel pressured to socialize, right? When you’re sweating from every pore, that shouldn’t be one of them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s an excellent point. I can’t imagine trying to have a conversation while on the elliptical. If you can talk you’re not working hard enough! (Says the girl who walks slow enough on the treadmill to type.)

      Liked by 1 person

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