Humor

The Further Adventures of a Fake Bitch

In just a few hours my transformation will be finished. The illusion will be complete. I will, for all intents and purposes, be a fancy lady and I couldn’t be more pleased. The last few months have been a whirlwind of activity and misguided good intent. I have been endlessly reading product reviews and watching YouTube tutorials as if I were cramming for the LSATs. I have been to Ulta so many times, I should run for mayor. 


(I don’t think that makes any sense it’s just all I could come up with. You get my meaning though, right? I’ve been to Ulta very, very many times. Sephora too but not as much because I feel like I should put all my reward points towards one singular goal instead of splitting them up and I think Ulta has a better bonus point system and I like that they have drug store makeup also and a hair salon, too. I did go to Sephora to buy a Beauty Blender and I have looked around there but I feel like all the stuff I really want I can just get at Ulta.) “Cool story, Regina.” “Thanks, Regina.”


What I’m saying is, I’ve given this mission a LOT of my brain. I have thought it all out to the nth degree. I have studied. I have purchased. I have obsessively organized and planned. And finally…

I Am Become Beauty Blogger!!!!


Not exclusively. Don’t worry. I will still bitch about lots of different stuff. But I definetly want to veer towards that direction because:

  1. It genuinely interests me. 
  2. It is a topic I have truly never given much thought to before now. 
  3. It is knowledge that will benefit me. 
  4. It is knowledge that will benefit other people. 
  5. Lots of people are interested in this topic. 
  6. I’d like to start pitching some ideas to publications beyond this blog and this seems like the most feasible, enjoyable direction in which to do that. I could use the experience. 

So there you go. I’m not going to write about beauty all the time but I will write about it more often. Maybe I’ll have a thing like, “Makeup Monday” or “Skin Care Saturday”. That sounds corny as fuck. I think the LCD will really go for it. 


Do I look like a beauty blogger? No, but you can’t see me. So who cares? The point is I’m going to learn how to do all this stuff which will benefit me and over time I can start to look like a beauty blogger. Then I can get that YouTube money and I’ll never have to talk to any of you assholes again. Oops! Did I type that out loud? My bad. 


Seriously though, if I’d been writing this blog a few years ago it would have been all about self-help. A few years before that it would have been health and fitness. I’d still like to talk about those things too. But I’m really in a beauty phase right now. I need a lot of help in this department. Let’s learn together!


I say this weekend is THE weekend because finally all the pieces have come together. We’ve put a highlift toner in my hair and it is now the color I’ve been trying to make it for over a year. (No thanks to you, Kaitlin.) I got my new glasses yesterday which at first I hated because I really wanted something different so instead of the delicate, barely there wire frames I always get, I got these huge, light blue plastic frames. It’s very jarring but I think I am getting used to rhem. They are certainly a giant transformation. 

Additionally, I am receiving in the mail today the final pieces of my must-have makeup basics along with a deluxe sample packet full of 27 products to review and discuss. So fuck yeah! Let’s do this! 


I do think I need to go get some sort of storage unit. That way I can kind of organize myself. Maybe a bigger mirror or a real vaniety. (I’ve always just used an old desk. Fancy as hell, I know.)  

Other than that, I’m all done and I’m ready to start. So get ready for this comedy of errors. You won’t believe how little knowledge of the subject I had prior to now. I don’t mean to say I know anything now. I don’t. I just know what I don’t know. I think. 

I’m going to talk about me learning to fix my hair and makeup like a fancy middle schooler. Join me, won’t you, as I fumble with foundations? We can all laugh at my arrested development together. 

Oh, haha! Just think, if only I’d grown up in a loving, supportive household, I’d already know this stuff. Lol!!!


<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/illusion/”>Illusion</a&gt;

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5 thoughts on “The Further Adventures of a Fake Bitch”

  1. I have no idea about hair and beauty so I’m looking forward to reading more about it from you! 😊 I’m such a tomboy and I’m not getting any younger so I better start learning how to cover up those laugh and age lines on my face 😜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s kind of my situation also. I never thought about makeup when I was younger but as I’m getting older things just don’t look the way that they used to anymore. I need to take action. Lol. It’s defensive makeup.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You might have wondered to yourself if a blog focusing exclusively on beauty tips would have any appeal to your existing male readers like me. The answer is yes, but not because I particularly care about beauty tips. It’s because, as always, in discussing this new focus, you managed to insert (among other great things) a quote from Robert Oppenheimer, who himself was quoting the Bhagavad Gita, after he internalized his role in the production of the atomic bomb. In an article about beauty tips. So yeah…this ugly, style-less guy very much looks forward to reading whatever you’re writing.

    Liked by 1 person

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