I’m at the gym again. I don’t know if this is going to be a public blog post or not. It may just be a personal rant. Let’s see how it turns out. I know I haven’t written in a couple days. That’s because I am over it. So I’ll just write this and hope I break the streak.
I’ve had a bad day today. Honestly I’ve had a bad week. I think I’m putting to much pressure on myself. I basically raised myself so I’m sort of like my own mother. I expect a lot from myself because I’m living vicariously through me. Every now and then I feel the need to rebel against my own expectations and I self desctruct. It makes perfect sense and is definetly not crazy. Right?
I ate like a pig this holiday weekend. Pretty much everyday I found a way to consume some heavy meal comprised entirely of carbs and saturated fats. Compared to this week, everything will look like a diet. So that’s good.
I’m just in a bad mood. This happens. It’s like I can go for a while soley on optimism. “Things are getting better.”I tell myself. “I’m making progress.” Then I have a moment of clarity and I realize that my life is still a fucking mess. I don’t like my job and I’m supposed to learn all these things in order to do it. These are not skills that will transfer to any other job. Which I would like now, please.
My coworkers drive me crazy because they want to talk all the time. I don’t like talking. It stresses me out. I like them all very much and I’m glad that they like me but I don’t think that we are ever going to move past small talk. Small talk stresses me out the most out of all the types of talking. I can do it for a while but not for hours at a time. I need to walk away and recharge my “social battery”.
Sometimes one of them will come in my office and flop down in the chair and proclaim, “I’m done working for the day.” Then I just know that I am in for a long one and just knowing that makes me so anxious. I feel trapped and even if I am busy they don’t care. They aren’t leaving. I’m done for the day too, apparently, because by the time they leave they’ve zapped any momentum I had. They are really nice.
Have I said all this before? I mean, I know that I have said it. I say it a lot. Too much, some would say. Hopefully I haven’t said it to you guys.
Before this I worked for a large company where I was just one of many workers and I thought I hated that. I would dream about working in a small office, in fact, I literally watched The Office pretty much constantly and daydreamed that was what my real life was like. That’s exactly what I got from this job and I even got my own office which is something I never thought that I would have.
So here I am exactly where I thought I wanted to be. I work in a building with about 14 to 20 other people. They are always going out to lunch as a group or having parties. Its some weird family that I don’t know how to be a part of. It makes me uncomfortable.
Now I want to go back to a giant company where nobody talks to me or takes me out for my birthday, where no one cares about me at all. Its true, you really don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.
If there are lots of free treadmills and a person chooses the one right next to you, does that mean they want to be friends? She’s also only walking, just like I am, and she looks more than capable of running. I could maybe make a new friend if I took out my earbuds and put my phone down.
Better not risk it. I need to get out of here.