Humor

I’m a Fucking Criminal

I am currently sitting on a bench in a courthouse, waiting to pay my speeding ticket. I'm actually paying double the ticket to keep it off my record. I think that's the right thing to do. I don't know. I've had one speeding ticket before in my life and I'm pretty sure that I just paid it by mail.

It's nerve wrecking. Even though I know that all I did was speed and all I'm here to do is pay a ticket, I can't help but think that they are going to throw me in jail. Then there will be a paperwork mix up somewhere and the next thing you know I will be in prison for life. It could happen. Of course, a lot of good books have been written in prison so that might just be the kick in the pants I need.

On top of the irrational fear, I am also being consumed by the very rational fear that they may never call my name and I will die here anyway. There are these series of clipboards along a divider and all it says is, " place a check by name" not your name. Not their name. Just name. So I put a check mark by my name but in the back of my mind I'm asking, "Is this right? Am I marking myself done and now they will never call me?" Hopefully not.

I was speeding. I was speeding my ass off. I have driven down that road, which is only 25 miles an hour for some reason, several times. A few of those times I thought to myself, "Gosh, I am speeding. I hope there is never a cop here because I will get a ticket." I'm a goddamn psychic. I wish I had listened to myself. The moment I saw that police officer I knew it was all over for me. There was no way to decelerate in time.

Okay. They called me. The whole thing, including wait time took 15 minutes. Now I'm standing in line to pay $251 and then I'm going to go enjoy a nice afternoon off. So I guess I won't be getting around to that novel any time soon. Well…maybe. No. I won't.

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17 thoughts on “I’m a Fucking Criminal”

  1. … so… don’t feel bad. I’ve lost my drivers license. I’m not sure when. I didn’t realize it until Friday when I was trying to set up my PO box. I’m convinced that my purse spilled somewhere around my house or in my car and it’s there somewhere. I just can’t bring myself to pay like $30 for another copy… because I know they’re somewhere.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, he’d already replaced all of his stuff by then. That includes finding and purchasing the exact same wallet because it has his favorite video game emblem on it. Lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. lol. Nice. I had mine stolen and it was a pain in the ass to get everything back. Also, when it was stolen I was on my homeless adventure and had my SS card in there… because where else are you supposed to have it when you are couch crashing. I think I went without one for a while and just got by using my birth certificate. But finally I had to get one for my current job working for the man.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Sometimes home is the best place.

        I’ve been pretty transient for the past 10 years with college and what not. It seems like millennials tend to move once a year. But if I say here for the duration of my lease, this will make my apartment the dwelling that I’ve lived in the longest. I also have it set up exactly the way I want it.

        I mean, when S.O. moves down we’re going to need a bigger place and I like my apartment complex, so I’m going to shoot for a 2br in my complex. It will save having to put down a fuckton more deposits.

        I tend to identify “home” as a town, not a building though. Like, even though I’ve lived in three different places in Tallahassee, the city itself is home.

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  2. I went to court to protest a Red Light camera ticket that I received in the mail and I wrote a three page speech where I ranted about freedom and tyranny and all types of issues. When I was done the judge played a video which clearly showed that I was wrong and I was ordered to pay the fine. Our town outlawed the camera tickets soon afterward and I got off. The writing helped me deal with the stress of this situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve had two tickets in my entire life–once for speeding in a school zone (which I totally thought it was over by the time I went through there) and once for supposedly running a stop sign (I still think I didn’t run it, but whatever) and both times I had to fight the urge to have a total freakout meltdown right there because I’m terrified of cops.

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    1. I’ve had two tickets but I totally deserved them. I’m always speeding. It’s amazing that I e only been caught twice so I really don’t complain about it. Now that I’ve been ticketed I have been trying harder to stay close to the speed limit. I learned my lesson for the time being. It won’t last. I never really realize that I’m speeding. I’m just always in a rush in my mind. Anxiety. Eh.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t remember. It was a 25 mile an hour road. I doubt I was going much faster than 35. It was more expensive because I paid double to have it taken down to a non moving violation. If I’d just paid the ticket it was around $120.

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  4. Don’t want to worry you, but a second offense is 5-10 years with no parole possibility. Hope they don’t find out about the first one. The good news….here’s a title for your book…”I Knew I Wouldn’t Look Good in Stripes.”

    Liked by 1 person

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