On My Own

Ive always been a loner. Well, maybe not always. I'm sure I was very dependent as a child. A life time of switching schools and switching homes and family members has more or less taught me that I am all I have. I am all I can depend on and I'm the only one who's likely to be putting my needs first.

It sounds harsh, I know, but it's a valuable lesson and I'm glad that I learned it at such an early age. I think it's true for most people. (Actually I think it's true for all people but I don't want to argue so I'll say most, meaning not you. Okay. Everyone but you, God's precious snowflake.)

There may be some people in wonderful relationships or with really devoted parents who coddle them into old age. I, myself am in a wonderful relationship with my husband. There is a lot he would do for me. There is a lot I'd do for him, too, but as that cheery expression goes, "We all die alone."

However, I really didn't set out to be so maudlin. I was trying to make the point that we are all alone and therefore none of us are. I don't know if that's true or not but it sounds good, doesn't it?

I prefer to be alone a lot. People stress me out because I'm a people pleaser and a codependent. Whenever I'm around someone, I subconsciously make their needs my needs. I try to be who they want me to be, often at the expense of who I really am. For that reason, lots of people like to be around me. Also for that reason I like to be alone. So I can people please myself and just be me. Whoever that is.

They say extroverts gain energy from being around people and introverts gain energy by being alone. I don't know who "they" are but I agree. Guess which one I am?

I've been on vacation this week, a staycation, and one of the main reasons why I took the time off was just because I needed some "me time". Oh, sure I had a list a mile long of things I wanted to accomplish this week and I did do some of it but my main priority was just to spend some time, in my house, all alone.

My coworkers hound me all day. They come into my office and plop down in a chair and at least two of them regularly complain that, "Ugh, I just can't look at my computer anymore." So you come here? I have a computer. Don't you want to get away from that one too? One woman literally says, "It's time for you to entertain me." She's the only one that says it but that's what they all mean.
A lot of the time, entertaining them means sitting quietly, stopping any work I was doing and letting them talk at me. They don't often care for my input. They just want to tell me for the hundredth time what happened when their kids were young 20+ years ago. Then they force information out of me and tell me I'm wrong. Then they leave. I never go into their offices. You might think they would take that as a hint. They don't.

My manager at work is a real talker. She loves to just chit chat with anyone she can. She gets upset because so many people want to email these days and she'd prefer to pick up the phone and have an hour long conversation about everything.

Her office is right next to mine. Sometimes if we aren't busy and I'm in my office quietly playing with my phone, I can just tell it really irritates her. She tries to find things for me to do. It's not fair really. I mean, I don't mind doing things but I know if I was in her office sitting and talking to her, she would never find me something to do. We could talk all day.
That's how she relaxes. I relax alone. That's why I'm not allowed to relax.
My husband and I work basically the same schedule but his job is closer to home. Every day when I get home, he's already here. I love my husband and we have a good time together. I miss him when he's away. I just wish that I had more opportunity to miss him, if you know what I mean.

He's a real homebody. Even on the weekends. We wake up. I go run some errands, he stays home. I come back, he's here. I leave again, he's here. I come back and leave again. He is here the whole time. Sure, he will go and do things with me but otherwise, he's here. So I don't really have a lot of time alone in my house either. I mean I can go in the other room but it's not the same thing as being all alone. Like I am right now, for the last time until my next vacation.
I don't mean to complain. I'm glad I have people in my life who want to talk and interact with me. It's good for me. If I were left to my own druthers, I would probably spend way too much time shut off from the world.

Anyway, I'm going to go for now. So I can enjoy my last few hours of solitude. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and that people leave you alone, if that's your preference, or, if you prefer, I hope your friends, family, and coworkers harass the living shit out of you.


9 thoughts on “On My Own”

  1. I grew up the youngest and there was such an age difference that I was essentially alone. My mother made it clear, she was not put on this earth to entertain me, and I ‘played’ alone most of the time (walking through the woods, listening to music with the headphones on…etc. ). I learned to be happy by myself and I have to say I am damn funny most of the time, especially people watching; I just blurt out laughing at what I am thinking and its usually at the expense of others (that’s the best kind right?!)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. So do I. There’s a ten year gap between me and my sister, so I spent a lot of my childhood as an only child. I learned to entertain myself and I crack me up! Lol. Watching people can be so satisfying.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. I was raised by my grandparents so I had to entertain myself a lot too. I know what you mean about sitting by yourself and just busting out laughing. I do that all the time. Sometimes it’s at others expense but other times it’s just a random thought that popped into my head.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I absolutely loved this post. It was hilarious and so relatable. I’d love to be completely alone in my apartment, but it only happened occasionally. So, I use the time that I am at work to be alone. Fortunately, I work independently and away from home. Not that I don’t love my family, but I desperately need my alone time!

    Liked by 1 person

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