Humor

Dr. Brandt’s Magnetight Age-Defier

Has anyone heard of this thing? Better yet, has anyone used one? Regular visitors of this blog know that I have only recently started caring about my skin and hair.

Never one to half-ass something, I have made it my business to learn about all things beauty. Actually that's not true. I half-ass almost everything I do but every once in a while I pick a subject to obsess over and this year, month? Well, week, at least, that obsession is my own fucking face.

Just like narcissus, I am often found staring at my own reflection way longer than I probably should. But unlike Narcissus, I am not pleased by what I see.
If you think makeup is expensive, try skin care. Maybe, just maybe the stuff at the drug store will do the trick when it comes to anti-aging but who has time to experiment. This is important, goddamnit! Sometimes they don't even card me for alcohol anymore. The clock is ticking. I need the good stuff. I can not afford to play around. I can't afford all this skin care either but…priorities.

So I haven't tried this Magnetight mask yet but I want to. It's $75 at Ulta. I've seen it demonstrated on YouTube. What it is, is this mask that you apply to your face with a spatula. (A tiny spatula that comes with it. Not a regular kitchen spatula, silly billy.) You leave it on 5-10 minutes and then you take an actual magnet and you wrap it in tissue and you rub it all over your face where the mask is.
The idea is that, as the mask dries, it sinks into your pores and then, because it is magnetic, when you run the magnet over it, the mask comes off and by the miracle of science, it takes the old from your face right along with it and then bam! Next thing you know it's, "May I see your id, miss?"
"You sure can you blind ass bastard."
So, I don't know. I may try it. I've tried the Dr. Brandt Needles No More…blah, blah, blah cream. It was very effective. They gave me the smallest sample size ever but even with that one use, I could tell it was working. So I definitely gots to get me some of that.

I don't know about the magnetic mask, though. That's a little weird, even for me. What if it sucks out my soul along with the magnets? Or it could suck out all the iron from my blood and then I would become anemic? Is iron magnetic? It doesn't matter. This whole premise is absurd.
Anyway, let me know if you've used the mask or if you know someone who has or if you think I'm a crazy superficial nightmare.

Look at how happy this bitch is. That could be me.

Magnetic

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2 thoughts on “Dr. Brandt’s Magnetight Age-Defier”

  1. As the bearer of the bad news (it doesn’t work – none of these things do more than empty your bank account), I’d like to offer the simple and quick treats for your face and hair. Hair is easy: get extra virgin olive oil and put about a tablespoon in your palm; rub it through your hair and scalp and (if you can) wrap it up in a warm towel for an hour (if you can’t, it still benefits). Then shampoo as normal (gentle; try to avoid SLS as it is very harsh on hair and skin).
    Skin on face: to tighten, get egg whites and beat until stiff (you can add a little sugar), then slather (sorry, wipe a thin layer) it on your face; sit still for as long as possible (no chitty-chitty-chit-chat), then wash it off (shower is best so the skin doesn’t get rubbed). It dries the pores and sucks out the oils. The best face creams are the cheapest ones – without perfume. The secret is to use the least amount possible, otherwise, you’re just over-filling the pores.
    And there are two of the secrets my grandmother taught me (not telling my age, but I have better skin than people 20 years my senior – and I have more money to spend on [chocolates] other things, too).

    Liked by 1 person

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