I don’t know. I’m really asking…for a friend. Just kidding. I don’t have any friends, and I can’t make them because I’m an adult. Just kidding I do have friends. Just kidding. They all moved away and left me here to die alone with just my husband and pets. Just kidding. My husband and pets will die long before I do. Just kidding. I’m already dead. Just kidding. only emotionally. Seriously.
I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to make friends when you are extremely antisocial and weary of strangers. I go to such lengths to avoid human interaction; no eye contact, no conversation, no being in the same general area as anyone else for any length of time. This is all part of my daily routine. Behavior like this makes it pretty much impossible to make new friends. Also the fact that I basically have contempt for everyone that I see, when probably only 90% of them actually deserve it, probably doesn’t help either.
The truth is I am happy by myself most of the time. I have my two best friends I talk to on the phone. I have my husband to go out and do things with. Sometimes I yearn to have someone to go out and do girlie things with like get a pedicure or go see Steel Magnolias at the Alamo Drafthouse, or get drunk and bitch about our husbands and I can’t think of a soul to do these things with.
I have a list of possible ideas for meeting friends but I can’t seem to bring myself to do any of them. Want to hear it? Here it go:
- Take a class at my gym
- Just actually try and talk to a person at my gym
- Go to an introduction to improv class
- Go to a support group for people with anxiety, or depression, or resting bitch personality
- Try and make friends online
I actually did join a local meetup group awhile a go. It did not go well. I joined a few clubs. There was one in particular that I was interested in the most because it was called “30 and nerdy” and I felt like these would probably be my people.
Well, the first event with them that I signed up for, I got wait listed. No big deal. I can go to the next one.
I didn’t have notifications turned on. I never turn notifications on. I will decide when I want to know something, thank you very much, Siri. Even without notifications on, I still checked the app several times throughout the week to make sure that I had not be moved from wait listed to invited.
I had not.
I go on the app while the event is taking place. I have been invited. I am now late. While the event is still going on, I text the coordinator. I explain to her that I had been on the waitlist and I didn’t realize that I had been invited (BTW: I got taken off the waitlist less than one hour before the event was to start, so even if I had been notified about it, I doubt very much I could have gotten there in time.)
I apologized, I didn’t think it would be a big deal. Throughout the week the coordinator had said things on the app about having problems with people saying that they were going to events and then not showing up. She warned, you only have two oppurtunities to miss an event and then you are out of the club. I had only missed the one event and I felt that the fact I had only been invited an hour prior to should kind of excuse that absence anyway.
I mean, Am I expected to sit by my phone and wait for these bitches to call me? Am I not allowed to have some sort of life? Or is this just a club for total losers?
So anyway, I sign onto the app later in the day or maybe it was the next morning, I don’t remember. I fully expected to see a message saying, “I understand. We didn’t give you enough notice. We look forward to meeting you next time.” Something like that. I mean, that’s what i would have said and I’m a bitch,so…
I didn’t get that message though. I got no message. I had been kicked out of the group. No response to my comment, no explanation as to why they didn’t want me, just a notification from the administrator of the site that I was no longer a memeber of this group.
This must be a mistake, I thought. So I reached out to the moderator one last time, explaining, again, that I hadn’t had enough notice. I still wanted to be in their club and I hoped she would reconsider.
(Maybe I should take a moment to explain why this was such a big deal to me. I had the Meetup app on my phone for maybe a year, maybe more. I had joined several groups during that time. I considered going to several events but I would always back out because I am shy and I’m scared of putting myself out there and I’m scared of rejection. I finally go through with rsvping a meetup. That took a lot of courage for me. I got waitlisted but I was still excited to go to the next event and then I get rejected before they even meet me. Thus confirming all of my deepest fears that I am unlovable and unworthy of friendship and everyone can tell that just from one profile picture or one paragraph of “about me”.
So even though there are a million meetup groups and this clearly wasn’t that big of a deal, to me it was the realization of all my fears. It was a really big deal to me on some sort of psychological level. It “triggered” me. Even still, I shouldn’t have behaved like I did. I over reacted. I was just so hurt.)
So when the moderator didn’t respond to me after several days. I went fucking nuts and I ripped her a new asshole. Keep in mind I knew nothing about her either besides her first name, Brittany, and what her face looked like and maybe a paragraph of information from her bio. I used the little bit of knowledge that I did have to write a four paragraph message just dragging her. It was a bit much.
She blocked me. I changed my profile name to “Brittany is a cunt” and my profile picture to a close up of an unflattering feature of hers from her profile picture and then I closed out my account.
Yes, I did all of those things. My name is Regina and I have a powerful rage inside of me just waiting to come out.
This is why I have no friends. Going back on the meet up app is definitely out of the question.
Come on, though, don’t you think she could have at least responded to me? How hard would that have been? Instead she just ignored me like I’m the piece of crap that I often feel like I am. I shouldn’t have said or did what I said and did but…I did.