Humor

A Penchant for Aging Disgracefully

I have a real penchant for going overboard with things. (That’s going Ham for my fellow millennials.) I don’t always give a shit about something but when I do. I give at least two shits. It should come as no surprise to regular readers that my obsession du jour is makeup and skin care and to an unfortunately lesser extent, exercising.

A year or two ago I didn’t even know what half of this shit was and now I think I can’t live without it. To be fair though, I have really started deteriorating at an exponential rate during this past year. Which came first? The chicken or the egg? It doesn’t matter. Either way it’s too late now. I have to move forward with all the lotioning or else my skin might fall off or something. I don’t want to find out.

It’s true though, I don’t know if it’s the fact that I was raised by my grandparents and watched them all die in front of me one by one, or not but I have always had a keen sense of my own mortality. I was made very aware early on that this life is a marathon and not a dash. And I say that without any pun intended as I walk on a treadmill for an hour surrounded by people running or climbing stairs or whatever you call the motion done on an elliptical machine. Striding? I guess that means the story checks out. Good.

I’m in no hurry to achieve a 5k. I see no reason to put strain on a body that I’m trying to keep nice. Which does imply that my body was nice in the first place. Is it? Stop picturing me naked. It’s not. But working out until my plantar fasciitis flares up or my hips are sore and I have to hobble around everywhere is not the look I’m trying to achieve either.

But seriously, I have always known that I was going to get older and things would get harder. I knew to appreciate my youth while I had it. I’m glad I did. It required the least amount of effort and that’s my favorite kind.

Why should I wear makeup when I have smooth young skin? Why should I start exercising when my ass is just naturally in the air? It makes no sense. Don’t worry about improving yourself, children. There will be plenty of time for that later.

At any rate, it became clear to me last year that I am no longer in the effortlessly young category. When it comes to my appearance, low maintenance time is over. Now I have to make things happen. I have to apply something to hydrate and repair my skin and then I have to apply something else to hide my skin when the first things I applied don’t work. I have to exercise if I don’t want to lose muscle tone. My bones are literally deteriorate right this very minute. I have to maintain or give up. I chose maintain because I’m a bitch. You’ve gotta bring your A game if you want to be a bitch and do it well. Otherwise people won’t know to feel inferior to you.

On one hand I am glad that I waited to start this endless regime. I conserved my energy. On the other hand, now that I need to, I don’t actually know how to do anything that I’m trying to do. I’m behind the curve.

A while back I said I was going to be a beauty blogger cause I bought all of this makeup like a crazy. I thought maybe I could help educate people as I, myself learned. I’m a lot dumber than I thought I was. I have to figure out what I’m doing first. I can’t teach shit for shit. Turns out you can’t just buy a bunch of stuff and instantly be an expert about it.

I know.

It surprised me too.

The fact is it takes a while to compare makeup. You can’t put all your eye shadows on at once. You also have to wear it a while and see how it lasts. How do you know if you like a foundation until you’ve tried a couple of them? You don’t. You have to try all the skin care products individually for a while so that you know which one is actually working. You have to pray to God, the universe, or whatever that at least one of them does something. Perhaps most importantly, you have to actually know what you’re doing or else the brands you’re using ain’t going to matter? Have you ever done a winged eye look? It’s not as easy as it looks.

You can’t just do your makeup over and over again either. Even if you have the patience of a saint, it’s bad for your skin and you don’t need that. Not at your age.

Bye, guys. Ttyl.

Penchant

13 thoughts on “A Penchant for Aging Disgracefully”

  1. I think that the wrinkled eye look might suit me. Anyway, I enjoyed your post and I wrote you a poem. A guy named Sam likes to go ham, he refuses to eat spam or spread jam on a clam. He went on the internet with his cam to see Pam and he tried to but a gram of lamb, but it turned out to be a scam. Oh damn, he better get with the program, before they have to write his epigram.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I find Youtube beauty gurus and beauty bloggers to be absolutely fascinating because I know that I myself will never care THAT much about making my face look pretty. And the only reason I exercise is so that I don’t get any fatter than I am right now. I am at peak fatness level. Only by exercising can I KEEP it that way. It’s also good for my depression and anxiety, apparently.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol! That describes me perfectly “peak fatness level”. I can’t seem to lose weight but if I gain one more pound I won’t be able to stand myself and I’ll have to buy new pants.

      Like

    2. I find it fascinating how many times the go over and over their eyelids, applying and blending and then applying more and blending that into the first two and they just go back and forth, back and forth for, like, five minutes on one eye and then they have to do the other one! I am trying to learn how to apply eyeshadow better but it’s not that serious.

      Like

      1. I think part of the problem is that they are all convinced they have to use these fancy brushes when really…they could get all the color on in one swipe if they just used the little applicator that usually comes with an eyeshadow pallet. Or at least the eye shadow pallets I tend to buy.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The only “fancy” (and they’re not even) brushes I have my mom bought me last year as a gift. She got them on clearance I think at Target (they’re ELF brand I think) and because they came in an Ariel (from The Little Mermaid) case, she though I’d like them. Since I’m a big Disney nut and all. They’re cute, I’ll admit. But I almost never use them.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s