I just had an impromptu shopping haul. I’ve been doing that more and more often. I think I’m losing my mind. It just makes me happy. I wish I had something else to make me happy but I don’t right now.
I’m in a fight with my best friend and he probably doesn’t know that. At any rate the fight is because he’s replaced me and so it’s more than likely that he doesn’t care that we are having a fight.
We’ve been best friends for over twenty years. He moved out of state ten years ago. He’s always been friendlier than me plus he’s gay, which no offense to whoever this may offend, but that does give him an advantage that lots of straight girls really enjoy. He’s always had girl friends. Sometimes he spent lots of time with them but I always knew that I was his best friend. I was the one he called when he got off work or texted when something funny or fucked up happened.
That’s not true anymore. Now he calls Allison. What a stupid name. Basic af. They work together. There are basically co-managers of a department. They both joined weight watchers together. Now they are inseparable.
I actually told him a while back that I felt like I was being replaced. It’s not like me to be like that with people, show vulnerability or self doubt. It just kind of slipped out. He assured me that I have nothing to worry about. Me and our other best friend would always be closest to him. We have a special relationship that could never be replaced.
He was lying to me. The only thing that changed after that is that he doesn’t really mention her anymore but her absence in his anecdotes are only for my benefit and they leave giant holes in his story that are presumably filled by her.
It’s a weird relationship dynamic between a gay man and his straight woman. I mean, each relationship is different but still fundamentally the same. Some call themselves fag hags. (I think I’m allowed to say that since I’ve been one for years.) Actually, I have always preferred the term “fairy princess”. It’s equally insulting to the gay but it makes me seem cuter.
I think there is a difference. Fag hags typically seek out gay men and they are the ones who may sort of fall in love with their gay. Fairy princesses are more like straight girls that gay men seek out because we are like gay men with vaginas and we are sort of fabulous. They like to have us around. Liza Manelli, Cher, Madonna, we typically share some quality with these women. Or we are just super cute and can be used as bait for attractive straight men. I’ve never really been able to pull off the latter but I bought a fuck ton of makeup so *fingers crossed* maybe someday.
But I digress…generally, don’t I? Back to the lecture at hand.
Gay men usually have several girl friends but they have the one special one that is their ride or die. That’s been me as long as I’ve been around. When we first met he primarily hung out with a different girl. When we started being best friends he let her go. I’ve always felt weird around her, the way that you would be around your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. You always just kind of wish they would die, you know what I mean?
Now, 20+ years later, I am her. To say it stings is an understatement.
He still tries to call me occasionally and text. Sometimes we can go days without talking which we have never done before. It’s worse when he does call because I can just tell by the way he talks to me that my opinion doesn’t matter as much anymore.
It sounds so silly and inconsequential to anyone else, I’m sure, but he’s not taking my tv show recommendations, anymore. Watching the same shows and talking about them has been a huge part of our friendship. I mean, he’s always watched network dramas and I just can’t with those, things like Nashville, Desperate Housewives, that genre.
I’ve always watched more guilty pleasure reality tv and stuff that is just generally odd. We’ve always had a middle ground of things we both like, mostly sitcoms, some Ryan Murphy shit that we usually end up hate watching. He loves Bo Jack Horseman. I only like it.
He used to put a lot of stock into my tv (and I use that term losely since I watch most shows on a computer or tablet or smartphone and I don’t have cable anymore.)suggestions
Now he doesn’t take my recommendations anymore. He won’t even consider Rick and Morty, which I was reluctant to watch myself because I hate gross animation but we both love Dan Harmon and Community. I gave it a shot. I told him it was good. He doesn’t care. He also refuses to watch Lady Dynamite or Wet, Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later, (which did sort of suck but he doesn’t know that). Last year he watched the first day of camp for me but this year he won’t. It sounds like nothing but, trust me, it means something. He and Allison probably watch Riverdale or some dumb shit like that together now.
Also if he’s not texting me, he’s texting someone else and more than once he has texted something to me and then it ended up being something he meant to send to someone else (Allison).
This latest guy he dated, Allison actually found for him and when things didn’t work out and he found himself repeatedly running into the guy out in public, she was with him and even still he texts her about it. I found about it a week or so later. Those should be my texts. Fuck them both.
All this just contributes to the fact that I already feel super lonely. Sure I talk to my coworkers and I like them but they are all my moms age. Yes, my mom had me when she was very young but it’s still weird to me. I just wish I could make friends with someone who still menstruated. Pretty soon I wil be the age my mom is now but I’m not ready to go there yet. Still, I’m out of options.
I don’t know. I guess I’ll stop whining. I hope I stop shopping but it really has become my only true source of joy, I mean besides my husband and pets but they are always here, which is good. They are like a drug you’ve built a tolerance for that doesn’t really get you high but if you got cut off suddenly you would go insane and kill people. I’m using “high”, in the example, as a metaphor for happy. The only high I get is from going out by myself and finding great bargains. That and eating or drinking but I’m trying to lose weight so I can’t do too much of that. I can’t do too much shopping either because I am not rich.
I bought my whole fall wardrobe this weekend, which is fine, as long as I truly don’t go out and buy more shit next week or maybe not until the after Christmas sales. That would be the next best time to buy stuff on sale. I doubt I can make it that long. I already know I’ve got to go get that half price Lancôme palette that’s on sale at Ulta Monday only for their 21 days of beauty sale. I truly mean for that to be the last thing I buy for quite a while.
I’m really hoping that I find something less expensive or waist expansive to make me happy soon. I’m really wanting it to be writing and exercising. Just writing and exercising myself into happiness, that’s the dream. Those activities and also home repair and hanging out with the women who are my mom’s age but not my mom cause she crazy and she makes me crazy.
I feel so sad. I know there is not enough makeup or clothing in the world to fill the void of a deeply codependent friendship of over 20 years. Will and Grace’s original run began only a little while after our friendship started. Now it’s back, they are still together but I have lost my gay. I don’t even want to watch it.
I’m sad. I’m going to go look at amazon or something. God, the universe, or whatever please give me strength to resist buying whatever I am about to find to buy. Amen.