Okay, just sit down and try to write something. Anything. Just something. It would be nice if something publishable would actually pop out of my brain. For once. Just try to think of something to say that isn’t just whining about your life.
Say something helpful. Say something useful. Bitch about someone.
Let’s see, who is the person aggravating me the most right now? No, I don’t want to talk about politics. I don’t know anything about it and I don’t want to.
I just don’t feel like politics really matters. It’s all just chopping wood and carrying water. Busy work, just something to think about so that you don’t kill yourself from boredom, meant to create the illusion of order. At the end of the day I can do whatever the fuck I want. You can too! Let me tell you how with this new thing that I’m writing.
This thing, its so meta. Its self reflexive af. It’s a bullshit gimic because the truth is I don’t have shit to write about. It’s all same old, same old, over here, business as usual.
I just always talk about the same things. I always have the same issues forever. I mean the makeup thing is new. However, I’m already kind of sick of it. I mean, there is always more to buy but I have everything I need now. In abudance.
I like to practice putting it on. I think I’m getting better, almost to the point where I would leave the house without worrying that I look insane. Which says a lot because I could never do anything artistic. Me trying to apply makeup is like trying to make a disabled person walk, maybe physical therapy and practice will help. Maybe they just can’t do it. I will keep at it but even still, I can only do it once or twice a week at most. How much time can a person spend staring at their own face?
I already put on makeup for work most mornings. That’s bad enough.
You know what else I find? I will put makeup on when I am bored and just sitting around the house but then when it’s time for me and my husband to go out and do something, I’m just like, “Man, I do not feel like going through that whole ordeal right now.” But like I said, I’m not really ready to take my makeup show on the road just yet. It’s probably for the best this way.
It’s so weird. It’s like when I started darkening my eyebrows one day and it looked insane to me but everyone else liked it and now I can see how it makes my face looks better. Now I feel weird without my brows. I’m still in the, I think I look crazy with a smoky eye phase. That phase may never end.
But that’s it though. Everything else in my life is just basically the same thoughts that are always in my head. You must do better. You must be more. You must be special. To say that aging is difficult on me is like saying exxon is difficult on the ocean. It’s a fucking tragedy. I didn’t know that people were nicer to me because I was young.
Now that I am getting older, it’s always so shocking. I smile at people, like I’ve always done but they don’t smile back. Old ladies, men, people I actually know, they are just like, whatever.
I didn’t know that it was not a give in to have people just kind of be nice to you, no matter how you act.
I’m really not a bitch, I’m just shy. Well I’m shy and I’m a bitch but I’m not the kind of bitch who doesn’t talk to people. That’s just me being shy. I can see how that would be confusing.
People used to draw me out, you know, they would help me assimilate to a situation. Now that I am older everyone just expects me to know how to act. I don’t. I’m a weirdo.
Also I AM a bitch and I don’t mind it. I own it but it is always so difficult to talk to people. Should I be fake or should I be a bitch? It’s so much easier to be fake but it is so soul crushing. Its wearing on me. I’m going to smack all of my coworkers.
See, same old issues for years and years. I recently read an old journal from 2010. I was talking about the exact same stuff. I don’t know what to say. I’m blocked. I’m worse than blocked, I’m stuck in a loop.