How Not to be a Writer

Okay, just sit down and try to write something. Anything. Just something. It would be nice if something publishable would actually pop out of my brain. For once. Just try to think of something to say that isn’t just whining about your life.

Say something helpful. Say something useful. Bitch about someone.

Let’s see, who is the person aggravating me the most right now? No, I don’t want to talk about politics. I don’t know anything about it and I don’t want to.

I just don’t feel like politics really matters. It’s all just chopping wood and carrying water. Busy work, just something to think about so that you don’t kill yourself from boredom, meant to create the illusion of order. At the end of the day I can do whatever the fuck I want. You can too! Let me tell you how with this new thing that I’m writing.

This thing, its so meta. Its self reflexive af. It’s a bullshit gimic because the truth is I don’t have shit to write about. It’s all same old, same old, over here, business as usual.

I just always talk about the same things. I always have the same issues forever. I mean the makeup thing is new. However, I’m already kind of sick of it. I mean, there is always more to buy but I have everything I need now. In abudance.

I like to practice putting it on. I think I’m getting better, almost to the point where I would leave the house without worrying that I look insane. Which says a lot because I could never do anything artistic. Me trying to apply makeup is like trying to make a disabled person walk, maybe physical therapy and practice will help. Maybe they just can’t do it. I will keep at it but even still, I can only do it once or twice a week at most. How much time can a person spend staring at their own face?

I already put on makeup for work most mornings. That’s bad enough.

You know what else I find? I will put makeup on when I am bored and just sitting around the house but then when it’s time for me and my husband to go out and do something, I’m just like, “Man, I do not feel like going through that whole ordeal right now.” But like I said, I’m not really ready to take my makeup show on the road just yet. It’s probably for the best this way.

It’s so weird. It’s like when I started darkening my eyebrows one day and it looked insane to me but everyone else liked it and now I can see how it makes my face looks better. Now I feel weird without my brows. I’m still in the, I think I look crazy with a smoky eye phase. That phase may never end.

But that’s it though. Everything else in my life is just basically the same thoughts that are always in my head. You must do better. You must be more. You must be special. To say that aging is difficult on me is like saying exxon is difficult on the ocean. It’s a fucking tragedy. I didn’t know that people were nicer to me because I was young.

Now that I am getting older, it’s always so shocking. I smile at people, like I’ve always done but they don’t smile back. Old ladies, men, people I actually know, they are just like, whatever.

I didn’t know that it was not a give in to have people just kind of be nice to you, no matter how you act.

I’m really not a bitch, I’m just shy. Well I’m shy and I’m a bitch but I’m not the kind of bitch who doesn’t talk to people. That’s just me being shy. I can see how that would be confusing.

People used to draw me out, you know, they would help me assimilate to a situation. Now that I am older everyone just expects me to know how to act. I don’t. I’m a weirdo.

Also I AM a bitch and I don’t mind it. I own it but it is always so difficult to talk to people. Should I be fake or should I be a bitch? It’s so much easier to be fake but it is so soul crushing. Its wearing on me. I’m going to smack all of my coworkers.

See, same old issues for years and years. I recently read an old journal from 2010. I was talking about the exact same stuff. I don’t know what to say. I’m blocked. I’m worse than blocked, I’m stuck in a loop.

6 thoughts on “How Not to be a Writer”

  1. You wanna write? How about the story about a person – whether she’s a woman or otherwise – who can barely see, and all people do is say to her ‘you could be so [pretty, elegant, classy, another word they’d say, etc.] if only you’d learn how to present yourself.’ The first disaster happens when she listens to them and goes outside with her ‘new’ self on show – and the reaction.
    the main part of the story is the learning how to do it for herself, how not to be a representative of others, how to take the mask off without being naked psychologically – until her best friend is overheard saying how ‘fake’ she’s become. Part 3 is how to deal with that slap on the face, how to understand her own reality, how to present herself the way she wants to be seen – and f. the rest of the world and the jealousy of her friend who’s no longer the only one in her life.
    And the end? You’ll find that after the first 75% is writ large on the blank space.
    All this from your post re: lipstick (yes, I’m a writer, I imagine stories about everything. After all, plot is a piece of dirt where things get buried, including writers who don’t or won’t tell stories).
    don’t take all this too seriously – it’s just what I do with idea times, especially when people say ‘I don’t know what to write!’

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! I feel like you just wrote that story and it’s a good one but in order for me to write a story about someone accepting themselves, I would probably have to know how to do it myself. Also I can not write fiction. I’ve tried so many times. The only thing I’m good at is recounting things that happened or writing reports and trying to make them funny and honest. I’m just in a rut right now in my life so it’s hard to write about myself. I actually don’t think I’m doing poorly, it’s just so much of the same thing over and over again. Self improvement requires a lot of repetition. Self destruction is a lot more interesting but I’ve been there, done that.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “Self improvement requires a lot of repetition.”
    I’ve read somewhere that people only have one or two problems, and “resolving” them is part of the work of their lifetime. Recently, I was also feeling stuck, and I found a blog that discuses that this is normal:

    Okay, that’s enough seriousness. I’m with person who suggested you should write a book. You said you don’t like fiction, so don’t force it. What you are writing is creative non-fiction. If you look over your writing on this blog (hope you have backups, because they are valuable), you will see themes and strands and you might be able to rewrite and/or organize them into a larger, publishable structure. On the other hand, you don’t have to be traditionally published, no one does unless it’s their dream– from what I imagine, chasing the publishing is a pain apart from the actual writing. You are published here on WordPress and read and appreciated by us, your humble followers.

    …But I would welcome reading a book called How Regina Got Her Bitch Back.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol! That’s a great title suggestion. Now I have to write a book. That has always been a goal of mine. Thank you for your support. Your comments always make me feel good about my writing. I really appreciate them.

      Liked by 1 person

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