Humor

Stop Being Nice to Me

I don’t know if anyone else has this problem but I always seem to come across overly polite drivers when I am out and about. I am talking about the people that wave for you to go first at a four way stop even though they were obviously there before you. I am also talking about the people in parking lots that insist you go around them even though you actually wanted to park in a space they are blocking.

I hate it when you are leaving a store and a car is coming but they stop to let you cross. I think that one might even be a law or something but unless it’s raining or -30 degrees outside, just go ahead and drive past me. I can wait two seconds. Then of course I have to wave a thank you and rush across the parking lot as fast as I can because I’m from the Midwest too.

All of those things are annoying but at least they make sense. What I really hate is when people stop their cars in the middle of the road to let you get in front of them or turn. It’s nice that they are stopping but what if I’m turning left? What if I actually can’t see around the traffic to tell if it’s safe to turn? Sometimes they will indicate to you that they can see there are no cars coming but can you trust them? They might be psychopaths trying to reek havoc. They might have very poor judgement. Clearly they have poor judgement because they have stopped their car in the middle of traffic, causing everyone behind them to stop, and now they are going to miss the light and I guess that’s my fault for existing.

This is especially dangerous on a four lane road. Not just for the obvious reason that there are more lanes to cross. Also because the car behind them might not feel as charitable and they drive around them and kill you. Or there may just be a car already coming down the far lane that you can’t see because some jack ass is sitting in the middle of the road waving at you.

What if I need to wait to get in the far lane because I’m turning left at the next light? You don’t know my life. You think that you are being polite but in actual fact you are just being a nuisance to me and everyone else on the road. How about I drive my car, you drive your car, okay? If I have to sit here all day for traffic to clear then we can consider that my problem.

If you think I’m exaggerating, I am not. Last weekend in one car ride this happened twice. What’s really going to blow your mind is that one of them honked at me when I didn’t turn in front of them fast enough. So they are being nice to me but I had better damn well appreciate it.

To be fair, I was looking up something on my phone but I was not driving. I was in a parking lot and I was checking behind me often to make sure that no one was back there waiting for me to turn. Traffic was streaming pretty heavily in front of me so I didn’t figure I could turn anyway. I forgot to figure in the “niceness” of my fellow midwesterners until the kind stranger laid on his horn to remind me. What the actual fuck? Keep driving, dick. I’m ordering dinner. Mind your business.

That’s it. I thought I would be angrier and this would turn into one of my bitchy rants that you guys like so much. I just haven’t been that pissed off lately. My medications must be working. Seriously though, just drive your fucking car.

Okay another thing along the same lines that’s annoying is when someone holds the door open for you and your like ten feet away. Go on. I can open the door when I get there. Plus, what if someone holds the door open for you, lets you go first and then we immediately have to stand in a line. Do I let them go ahead of me? That seems like the right thing to do but generally speaking when someone has gone out of the way to hold the door for you, they probably aren’t going to go ahead of you in line either and then you have to have a whole conversation with them. “You go ahead of me.” “No, you go ahead.” I don’t have time for this shit. Why can’t we all just pretend like we don’t see each other? That’s what I do when I’m out. That’s polite to me. Just don’t look at anyone. Respect their privacy.

This is not to say that I am of those women’s lib people who don’t want a man to hold the door open for them because they can open the door as good as any man.

Of course you can, dumb dumb. It’s a door. It’s not like killing a spider or taking out the trash. Get over yourself. Those women are deeply disturbed. They’ve got daddy issues or something. They are clearly insane. They’ve read too many feminist manifestos. Shut up. You are ruining it for the rest of us.

Please do hold the door open for me, gentlemen. You should. I’m a goddamn lady. But if I have to run to get the door, chivalry is not necessary. You are officially just being a pain in the ass.

Of course it’s not always a man holding the door open for me. Women can be obnoxious too, every bit as good as a man, better even.

If you would like to hear more about my views on feminism and/or doors, please indicate that in the comment section.

5 thoughts on “Stop Being Nice to Me”

  1. I’m guilty of being the door holder. But 8-10 foot is my maximum. After that, you’re on your own. What I hate is when you are obviously behind someone, like 4 ft and they don’t hold the door.

    Maybe it’s just my asshole coworkers.

    As for bad drivers — I live in FL. More specifically, I live in a city in FL where they don’t really pull you over unless you are doing something really bad…. super speeding, very aggressive, severed head hanging out your window…

    I’ve lived in a small town where they’d pull you over for anything — because they are revenue mining and needed the funds. I rolled a stop sign once and immediately got pulled over. No ticket though…

    But in a bigger city, they don’t need the money as much….

    For instance, (and I’m totally going to get this fixed, but I don’t have $400 laying around), I’ve been driving on out of state expired tags because the registration fees are ridiculous and when I first went to register the clerk at the DMV voided my car title by writing the fuck all over it — still bitter. So, I’ve had to freaking jump through hoops to get a new title to get it registered. Now, I’m just waiting on $400 to magically appear. But, so far **knocks on wood** I’ve been able to avoid most cops. I even had an FL Hwy Patrol right on my bumper while I was waiting for the left turn light and still didn’t get pulled over. But, I will admit, driving illegally has made me so much more conscious of all the driving laws — like speed limits, blinkers, passing, yielding, etc…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Fortunately, I should be encountering this in the next week to 10 days… Gonna pull out of an old retirement account, eat the 20% to the fed, and get it done.

        Like

  2. True confessions. I’m one of those politenicks. For example, if I’m entering a door to a store and I think someone might come in behind me in a few hours, I’ll stand there holding the door open that long to be sure I don’t miss them. However, I do attend a support group for this affliction.

    Liked by 1 person

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