I’m in denial about a lot of things but the two major things that I’m in denial about are my age and my weight.
Every morning I wake up and ask myself, “what is wrong with this mirror?” I see my friends after a long time and I think, “God, they are so old.”
I don’t remember who, and it makes me mad, but someone said something along the lines of everyone knows that death is inevitable and yet everyone deep down thinks it won’t happen to them. I can’t speak for everyone but that is 100% me.
It’s just not sinking in how old I am. I’m sure if I had kids that would help to remind me that I’m dying. Instead I get to live in a fairy land in my mind where I am not aging.
I’ve always been conscious of warding off the aging process, even when I wasn’t paying attention to my looks, (no makeup, no fixing my hair, no wearing nice clothes) I was applying moisturizer and eye cream and using a clairsonic. I am so gentle with myself. I don’t even rub my skin too hard. I strap down my boobs with multiple extra support sports bras at the gym because I don’t want these puppies to move in inch. If I have to pick my nose I use my pinky finger cause I don’t want to stretch out the hole. I’m insane.
And yet I age.
It’s starting to become crystal clear to me that no matter what I do, what I buy, what I rub all over my face…..I am withering before my very eyes.
It turns out that I will one day die just like everyone else. I can’t believe it.
I remembered where that extremely paraphrased quote is from. It’s from my favorite movie. Synecdoche , New York. It’s a really good movie by Charlie Kauffman and starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. We will have to talk about it in more depth later.