Get Out of My Life

In what universe are bikes cars? Bikes are not cars. If you can’t crank it up to 35 mph then get off of the fucking road. I don’t care. I live in the suburbs. Ride your bike on the sidewalk. When I was a kid our parents had us ride on the sidewalk so as not to bother drivers but in this new, soft, ultra pc world we have made for ourselves we all have to pretend like bikes are cars. Guess what? Bikes aren’t cars. There is no one walking on the sidewalk. There are cars on the road. Ride your bike on the sidewalk. Fuck off.

The bane of my existence is hoards of bikers. (I believe a group of bikers is called a douce bag.) Why is this allowed to happen? I’m not talking about motorcycle gangs which I also hate, naturally. I’m talking about spandex wearing, pointing helmeted, fanny-pack wearing fucking bikers in the middle of the goddamn street as if they are driving a car.

It’s bad enough that I have to put up with all the other drivers on the road who, like me, barely know how to drive, without having to contend with all these mothafuckin bikers in the mothafuckin street, fronting as though they are capable of maintaining the speed limit.

I am not talking about environmentally conscious or fiscally responsible people who legitimately use a bike to get from point a to point b. Kudos to them. I wish that I had their discipline. I worked two blocks from where I lived for two years once and I drove my car every day. So I’m an asshole too but at least I’m not a self involved asshole. At least I am conscious of other people that I have to share a road with.

Quite frankly, I question anyone over the age of, let’s say, 16 who rides a bike for fun. I personally have never been able to ride a bike for very long without feeling as if I’ve been sexually assaulted but it takes all kind of people to make the world go round.

I get it. Fitness is importance. I know lots of people ride bikes to stay fit. However, if you must ride a bike there is a time and a place to do so and that time and place is not in the street when people with actual cars have places to actually be.

I’m so glad that you, as an adult, have nothing better to do on a Saturday morning than to get together with a group of friends and ride your bicycle around. How wonderful to be you. Get off the fucking road.

What I really can’t stand is when there are two bikers and they are insisting on riding side by side and having a conversation. Oh, excuse me, I can’t pass you because of oncoming traffic and if you have breath to talk then you aren’t pedaling hard enough you privileged piece of shit.

The worst part is that they have every legal right to be there. You can yell at them, and I do, but you can’t have them arrested. You can’t run them over. You can’t even get right on their well sculpted asses and just kind of pressure them to move. You just have to wait for a chance to get around them, roll down your windows, tell them they are a public nuisance and go on your way. There is no justice in the world.

An open letter to bikers:

You are not cute. We are not impressed. Go find a park or a gym or your misspent youth somewhere else. You look like a bunch of jackasses. Everyone hates you and they are right to do so. You are the worst. Die in traffic.

Sincerely,

Regina.