Humor

Am I a Hoarder?

Last night I went through everything in my room and tried to find some things to donate or just throw away. I don’t know if I’m a hoarder or if I just don’t have adequate storage. I can’t see the point of throwing away a bunch of plain t-shirts in different colors. I’ve never worn them but you never know, one day I might have to. 


At any rate, they seem like pretty good basics to have around in case you need a particular coot of undershirt or you find yourself competing in a group activity in which someone decided everyone should wear a purple t-shirt. I won’t have to buy one. I’ll already have one. They seem like sound investments. I’m sure Kim Kardashian has a t-shirt in every color, probably one in every shade. I’m also sure she has a much bigger closet. 


So these are the dilemmas that I face. It would be so nice to be able to open a drawer without having to push down the contents inside. It would be nice to find one particular thing in my closet without having to dig and dig through things I never wear, but could wear and still like. Access to my clothes would be so much easier if everything wasn’t filled to overflowing. 


In order to do that, I’m going to have to make some pretty harsh cuts. That’s going to be hard. I’m only good at harsh burns, like, “Your momma’s so stupid, she has a hard time managing her bills and she had to go to an accountant for financial advice.” Burn. Harsh burn. 


A big part of my storage woes come from the fact that I have clothes that don’t fit. I have clothes that don’t fit me, that have actually never fit me and still have the tags on to prove it. What can I say, I am an optimist and they were on a great sale. Additionally, I have clothes that are too big that I’ve outgrown (ingrown?)that I don’t want to get rid of because I’m also a realist and I know if I gain weight back I am not going to want to celebrate by buying new pants. That’s  just being prepared. Right?


I’m pretty sure it’s standard dieting advice (or lifestyle change advice. We aren’t supposed to diet. We are supposed to make “lifestyle changes”.)to give away your too big clothes so that gaining weight back won’t seem like an option but listen, if gaining weight back wasn’t an option, I’d already be at my ideal body weight. Shit happens. I can’t be held accountable in a world with so much pizza. Gaining weight back is not only an option, it’s an inevitability. 


Probably the worst section of the hoard is the things that I know I will never wear again that I keep just because they have sentimental value. I have a whole box of t-shirts that I wore in high school and just after. Even if I could fit into them it is no longer appropriate to wear shirts with silver robots on them, or strawberry shortcake, or one that says tiger cub scouts. But I like them. They’re my shirts. I always think that one day I’m going to make a quilt out of them or something. Then I remember that I can’t sew. 


Anyway, I did a pretty good job. I made a whole pile of stuff to donate. It’s just hard for me to get rid of things that are still good. But I don’t want to give charity a bunch of crap either. All in all, I would say I got rid of maybe 1% of my stuff. It was really hard, too. There are some things I’m still thinking of taking back from the charity box. I think I have my answer. 

Hello. My name is Regina and I hoard clothes. 

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4 thoughts on “Am I a Hoarder?”

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