Humor

Slow and unsteady prolongs the race. (Another how-not-to-gym post)

This is my first time back to the upstairs portion of my gym since I’ve been back from vacation. I was in California for a week and then I took an extra week off from the gym because I was getting really sick of it so I thought I would extend my break and come back refreshed and ready. 


Last week I came here three separate times but the first two times all I did was stay in the locker room and sit in the steam room and soak in the hot tub because I guess I wasn’t quite refreshed enough. The third time I did those two things plus a little bit of lap swimming. 


Now I’m back in the upstairs section of the gym where all the work out equipment is located. So far I have walked the track and then I got on the recumbent bike. Nothing your average 80 year old gym going grandmother couldn’t handle. I know my limitations. 


In actual fact, this is a sped up version of how I started out at the gym in the first place. I guess I liked that method so much, I subconsciously began copying my former self. To keep with the plan I should now go do the weight machines down the right side of the gym wall, then on to the elliptical, and then eventually the treadmill. 


I never got to the rowing machine or the free weights. I hope to get to them this time around. Actually, the chiropractor says the rowing machine will be good for my posture so I’m going to make that a priority. I want to use it when no one is around the first few times because it looks like it requires some kind of coordination and I am bad at that to a hilarious degree. 


I also never got around to the machines along the left side of the gym where all the men hang out and I doubt I ever will because men who go to gyms are intimidating and whatever they are using over there is probably not for me anyway. 

The only women who go over to that section are what the kids call “thirsty” for attention and in general they don’t even use the machines over there. They just get in the men’s eye line and stretch suggestively. I wish I had their gumption…or their assets but it’s probably better for my marriage that I don’t. 


Progressing from the hot tub to the elliptical and weight machines took me around six months to achieve the first time around.  This time I feel like I can get back to that level by the end of the month. I was only gone for two weeks. 


I don’t think it’s a bad idea to start things off slowly. No one who knows me would be surprised by that. Honestly, what’s the rush? In general, I move slower than a snail towards all of my accomplishments. I’m always going forward but at a rate so slow that it is virtually undetectable. 

I’m fine with this. I’m in no hurry. I’m truly not. I have great faith that things are going to work out in the long run and I’m just looking for the slowest, most meandering path to the finish line and that’s fine. It’s great. Say it’s great. Say it!


I am working out for mostly shallow reasons. I basically only have “vanity” pounds to lose. Supposedly that’s the hardest to get rid off. It wouldn’t hurt if I stepped up my game a little bit. Plus, I am getting older. (That’s something I wouldn’t mind doing slowly.) If I want to be youngish and thinish at the same time ever again, I had better act fast before my face completely craps out on me. I know this. 


 But think of it this way:

I’m working out to do something good for my body, right? So I don’t want to hurt myself in the process, do I? Who cares if I work out next to and in step with the elderly. These people are old. That means they’re wise. They aren’t trying to hurt their joints, or break their hips, or cause their arthritis to flare up. This appeals to me as well. 


I guess I should feel shame to be the only person on a recumbent bike under the age of 60 but guess what? I like my knees. They are cool. I don’t want to upset them needlessly and if I set the resistance high enough, I get a pretty good burn. Besides, regular bikes always make me feel like I’m being sexually assaulted and all that standing up, and then sitting back down over and over while pedaling business? Fuck that. I may never be ready for that.  

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