Humor

Putting the “T” in Toenail

As yet another summer draws to a close, I am once again overwhelmed with the annual realization that I hate sandals. I know that's not a popular opinion but hear me out: They are ugly. They make your foot look ugly. They end your leg ugly. There, I think I've made my point.

No one looks better with flat feet and bare toes. No one looks better with their shoes dividing them weirdly mid foot and/or cutting off their ankles.

I could like an open-toed heeled shoe or a platform maybe, with just a hint of toe exposed, but certainly not a duck toed, "comfortable" day shoe. Good God. I mean maybe if you have beautiful, perfect, tiny feet and they are in the perfect, delicate, gilded sandel then maybe those look flattering. But do you know who doesn't have beautiful perfect feet? Anybody. Including probably you. Sorry.

So many people think, incorrectly, that they have cute toes. You can just tell. They wear their new sandals and they keep looking down at their feet and they smile and you can tell that they are just feeling themselves. I think that's great. I wish that I could feel that way about myself…or about them but I don't. Put them damn toes away, girl! They look like little fingers, or rounded stubs, or tiny devil's hooves. I don't know what you're specific foot issue

is. The point is, I shouldn't have to know. More times than not we are all better off wondering what you're toes look like as opposed to you actually showing us.

I used to think feet were gross in general but I've gotten (mostly) over that. I can appreciate a barefoot in the summer time, poking out from a cute dress or a nice pair of shorts. It's potentially aesthetically pleasing. I still don't want someone to put their feet on me but aside from that I'm fine. I used to not even want to see them. I don't know what that's about.

It might be because my own feet are gross, in several ways probably but at the least because one of my toe nails is messed up. My big toe on my right foot has been weird my entire life. It got injured when i was a little toddler or baby or something. It's been like this my as far as I can remember.

Because of the injury my toe nail bed is smaller than it should be and so the nail grows in thicker than it should and it looks sort of like one of those crazy old people toe nails that hang off the edge of their shriveled, veiny, old foot like a sloth's claw. Okay, mine is not quite that bad. It's not like a claw. I keep it trimmed. The nail is a little thick and smaller than my other big toenail. Not cute.

That's not why I don't like sandals, though. They make press on toe nails now. I can pop a sally hansen $5.99 a pack plastic toenail on and as long as I keep all my nails nicely painted, you can't tell that my nail is weird. Unless you're down there doing something weird to my feet and if you are, then that's on you, man. I don't mind being barefoot in front of other people anymore. I don't mind other people being bare foot in front of me either but I really hate sandals.

I bought this pair of, I guess you'd call them, a Romanesque kind of sandal. They are very flat on the bottom and they go between the first toe and the second toe and buckle at the ankle. Over the foot is this brown woven leather, like a basket.

I do think that they are cute. I do like them. Plus, they are Lucky Brand, which i think of as a trendy brand, (It usually matches my style, anyway) If they think that it's stylish, then it probably is, by my standard. So when It seemed that everyone had a pair of these sandals and for good or worse, was wearing them, I felt like I needed a pair, too, naturally. So I trusted the Lucky Brand and I bought these fucking shoes.

I can't wear them.

I just tried again today. They are cute but I just feel like every step I take is like, "whack, whack whack," my flat feet slapping the ground. It just sounds like a fat bear is walking down the hallway of my house.

Additionally, for me, it's what they do to the line of your leg. Unless you have too long, too thin legs, that you feel compelled to make stumpier as a penance for something, you should not wear ankle straps. You should not wear shoes with flat bottoms and no tops. It's not going to help your cause. Unless your cause is to look shorter with wide calfs, in which case, good for you. You have succeeded.

I don't understand fashion, really, but I do get lines. I get how if you do this on top, you need to do this on bottom to even yourself out. I get that if you have this particular body shape, you should wear this shape of clothing and things like that. I think I'm really good at that. That's the only clotheswise talent that I have.

I don't know what colors or patterns go together. I don't know which season I'm supposed to wear certain items in. I am forever googling things like, "What shoes go with cropped skinny jeans," etc. I also cant tell what's appropriate for my age range and have accidentally bought a few juniors items on occasion. So I am mostly clueless when it comes to clothes but I will say that I do instinctively understand if it

has a flattering line for my body or not. Sandals do not. While we are on this subject, can I just take this opportunity to say, in private, to all women everywhere who wear horizontally striped leggings, Stop that. They don't look good on anyone. You're welcome.

I have written people off because of the shoes that they've worn. I know that sounds really shallow. There was this guy that I worked with when I was 19. He asked me out and I said "no". Probably too big of a percentage of that "no" was due to the fact that the two pairs of shoes that he owned were each individually competing for the ugliest shoes on the planet earth. One pair was large and black and they made his skinny legs look even skinnier. They had not one but two tongues, one was yellow and one was red, like ketchup and mustard. They were terrible. The second pair was, I kid you not, cowboy boots with pointy toes and fucking tassles over the toes like fucking penny fucking loafers.

I know. How could I be with someone who thought those choices were correct. Clearly, I couldn't. (But also this guy was really annoying so it wasn't totally superficial.Had he been wonderful to be around, I'm sure I could have looked past the shoes. Or changed them.

Anyway, I know I'm not going to stop anyone from wearing sandals. and I don't even want to. If you feel yourself in sandals then go on. Feel yourself, girl. Or boy, as the case may be. Just know that there will be people like me, hiding in our offices and cubicles, listening to the sound of your flat foot banging against the floor, "whack, whack, whack", and silently judging you for your lack of grace and style.

I hope that you can deal with that.

Also, I could never wear crocs because I just haven't given up on myself completely yet. If you wear crocs, we can still be friends but I'll never ask for your fashion advice.

7 thoughts on “Putting the “T” in Toenail”

  1. I am not interested, fascinated, or repelled by sandals, but my favorite part of your post was the picture of the Teva sandals. I have those exact same sandals. Well, not THOSE sandals. That’s not a picture of my feet. But I do have and love my Teva sandals, which I mostly wear when I wash my car. They’re perfect for that task. And only for that task.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol. Sandals do have their place and as always, please take everything I say with a grain of salt. I am literally sitting here thinking to myself, “what do I hate? What do I hate today?” So, I’m just teasing. I’m serious about that legging thing, though. That’s just good advice.

      Liked by 1 person

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